Gilligan: "I think I have man hands. Girls want these inside of them."

Gilligan: "Twig arms wanted to finger me."

Mrs. Howell (to Mary Ann): Why don't you stop paying attention to your boyfriend at home and start paying attention to your wife on this trip? I'm the one giving you the BJs."

Mrs. Howell: "You don't swallow?"
Mary Ann: "No, I don't swallow and I'm not going."
Mrs. Howell: "Well, you'd swallow my cum, right?"
Mary Ann: "I'd drink your cum everyday like a refreshing beverage?"

Hostess: "Have a good evening!"
Mr. Howell: "At my age a good evening means having a good bowel movement."

Gilligan (to a fisherman): "If you catch a fish I'll suck your dick."

Mary Ann: "Ginger wants me to be a lesbian."

Gilligan: "You can't be a lesbian because you don't like to lick pussy."

Mary Ann: "That's right. And I like dick."

Skipper: "Me too."

Mary Ann: "Look how tan he is. The Professor and I are in an interracial relationship."

Gilligan (to professor): "Can I see your dick?"

Polish Native: "What's the difference between jam and jelly?"
Gilligan: "What?"
Polish Native: "I can't jelly my dick up your ass."

Skipper: "I like Grizzly Adams."
Gilligan: "Grizzly Man is weird."
Skipper: "Not Grizzly Man, Grizzly Adams."
Gilligan: "They are both weird."
Skipper: "Yeah, I know, they both suck. Grizzly Man made me feel sick; Grizzly Adams made me feel gay."
Gilligan: "A man with a beard and a giant bear made you feel gay?"
Skipper: "Yeah."

Mary Ann: "I really believe you when you say you would light someone's house on fire."
Gilligan: "What part of gasoline and match don't you understand?"

Professor: "Italian bikes are hard to maintain."
Mary Ann: "So are Italian bitches."
Gilligan: "Yeah they are greasy."
Professor: "And they leak oil."
Gilligan: "They are hairy and oily."
Skipper: "But they have a good drive shaft."

Gilligan: "The Skipper is so stern. He's like a lesbian Phys. Ed teacher who has been molested by a priest for 400 years!"

Skipper: "Ron Jeremy has a 19in dick."
Gilligan: "With a dick like that you're bound to catch something."
Skipper: "Sea bass."
Gilligan: "What does that mean?"
Skipper: "I'm thinking about dinner."
Gilligan: "I thought you were talking about catching fish."
Mary Ann: "With a 19in. dick."

Gilligan: (about 2 savages) "Do we help them get food or do we just eat them?"

Skipper: "Gilligan, come out of the closet!"
Mary Ann: "We know you're gay you pussy licking whore!"
Gilligan: "I'm not a lesbian; I love dick!"
Mary Ann: "Can you fit both of the Skipper's balls in your mouth?"
Gilligan: "Yes, I did it once."

Skipper: "I'm gonna go and eat corn with a deer."

Mary Ann: "Skipper, lie on the ground."
Skipper: "Is it a sex thing?"
Mary Ann: "No."
Skipper: "Then I don't want it."

Skipper: "Is the Professor inside sleeping?"
Mary Ann: "Yes."
Skipper: "I feel so outnumbered out here."
Gilligan: "Well lube it up and go in there you fag!"

Time: 11am
Gilligan: "Is it too early for a frozen drink?" 
Mary Ann: "No. It's never to early for a drink." 
Gilligan: "Well, I mean the place is not open."

Mary Ann: "I want a dog with a black face."
Gilligan: "I want a black with a dog face."
Skipper: "I want a prostitute with a black ass."

Mary Ann"You talk so much shit about being a good shitter."
Mrs. Howell"That's why it's a problem. So what do I go do? Eat meat and cheese."

Mrs. Howell: "I forgot my sunglasses; this really sucks."
Mary Ann: "You can get cowboy sunglasses."
Mrs. Howell: "What?"
Mary Ann: "Cowboy Sunglasses."
Mrs. Howell: "What are you saying?"
Mary Ann: "COW - BOY - SUN - GLASS - ES."
Mrs. Howell: "Oh!"
Mary Ann: "What did you think I said?"
Mrs. Howell: "Cow Pussy."

Mrs. Howell: "Are you driving on cruise control?"
Mary Ann: "I thought I was until I realized I was only going 5 mph."

Mrs. Howell: "You are carrying a head around in a plastic bag; thats creepy."
Mary Ann: "I think I'm going to have to mail it home."

Cowboy (in a pick-up): "I see you two walking up and down this street, you need a ride somewhere?"
Mrs. Howell: "No, thanks."
Mary Ann: "A cowboy just asked us to ride his horse and you said no."
Mrs. Howell: "An axe murderer just asked us to be his next victim."

Mrs. Howell (to Mary Ann): "Quit licking your lips like that you cock sucking whore!"

Mary Ann: "Credit card, I'm done raping you. Now I'm going to rape this other credit card. And I'm not only going to rape it, I am going to rape every orifice of it."
Mrs. Howell: "I'm going to shred you bitch."

Mary Ann: "Our love child is going to be your long awaited shit."

Mary Ann: "Eat that."

Mrs. Howell: "Its binding. I don't need to be bound." 

Mrs. Howell: "Great. I finally have to shit."
Mary Ann: "Of course you do. We are in the middle of the desert with no toilet paper.
Mrs. Howell: "I will not take a dump on the side of the road. I have my limits." 
Mary Ann: "I would."
Mrs. Howell: "Oh man, I really have to shit. Fuck you, God! Fuck you!"

Mrs. Howell: "Did you love the way your pee smelled after dinner?"
Mary Ann: "I loved it."
Mrs. Howell: "You love your asparagus pee?" 
Mary Ann: "Yeah, it doesn't make your twat smell"
Mrs. Howel: "There must be some residuals."

Mary Ann: "What's the point of being gay if you don't fuck?"

Mrs. Howell: "Whats the point of being human if you don't fuck?"

Driving through an oil field

Mrs. Howell: "Does it smell eggy? Is that you?
Mary Ann: "If I ever smell like that please be sure to rush me to the hospital. Thanks."

Mary Ann "Oh my God, I'm glad somebody finally asked whether we are lesbians. Do we look like lesbians?"
Mrs. Howell: "Oh God, I hope so."

Eating hot dogs
Mrs. Howell: "You want to try this one?"
Mary Ann: "When you fall in love with someone, you don't want to try anything else."
Mrs. Howell: "Are making an analogy between a sausage and a man?"

Mrs. Howell: "When I have wet dreams, I dream about this place."
Mary Ann: "Can we sleep here tonight?"

Mary Ann: "I would have sex with Leonard Cohen now."

Mrs. Howell: "I would have sex with Leonard Cohen from the age of 2 to 202."

Mary Ann: "I would have sex with Leonard Cohen's dead body."

Mrs. Howell: "I would have sex with Leonard Cohen's embryo."

Mary Ann: "I danced the two step with a geriatric old man. He couldn't hear me or see me, but he definitely felt me!"

Mary Ann: "I am surprised when people ask me where I'm from. I'm loud, obnoxious and mean to everyone. Where do you think I'm from?"

Mary Ann: "Savage, could you feed us? We can make cocktails."
Savage: "I like to eat and I like when people make cocktails. Now I'm hungry and want to go bird watching."
Gilligan: "You guys can eat, drink and look at the birds in my brain."
Mary Ann: "This time we won't have pussy drama."
Gilligan: "Speak for yourself."
Savage: "You guys pick a time and I'll think about the grub."
Mary Ann: "Fish Tacos!"
Savage: "What's with the fish tacos?"
Gilligan: "She's talking about our vaginas."
Savage: "Guess my dirty mind has gone rusty."
Mary Ann: "Yes, I was talking about our vaginas. Savage, you're such a prude!"
Savage: "Prude is relative. Next to you two I'm the friggin' church lady! A man in drag?

Ginger: "You around tonight?"
Mary Ann: "I'm hanging out with the Professor."
Ginger: "Are you gonna tell him you're a lesbian?"
Mary Ann: "Shut up. Yes, I did go rock climbing yesterday."
Ginger: "You love fish tacos."
Mary Ann: "You just want me to be a lesbian so I can be your bull dyke."
Ginger: "You can't be a bull dyke. I have bigger balls."
Mary Ann: "I'm not sure about that. You will have to show me. Plus, you're the one who wears all the pretty dresses and does your hair pretty."
Ginger: "You want me to tea bag you?"
Mary Ann: "Only if you sing the US National Anthem in a British accent while you do it."
Ginger: "Is this a fetish of yours."
Mary Ann: "Yes."

Mary Ann: "Gilligan, I can't believe you showed me your vajungle*."
Gilligan: "I know. It's big and scary, right?"
Mary Ann: "It seemed average size."
Skipper: "It's big inside."

*a big hairy vagina

From: Gilligan
To: Mary Ann
Subject: McDonald's = Death Farts
Even though 'the Skipper' ate a hotdog, we stopped at The Golden Arches and got 2 double cheeseburgers, 2 regular cheeseburgers, and 2 large fries. I swear to fucking God he nearly killed me! I forgot that he had eaten a big egg salad sandwich before we met you too! Nasty!

Mary Ann: "Tell 'the Skipper' to keep it down when you give him his birthday blowjob."
Gilligan: "Don't worry. When I give him blowjobs he normally just weeps, but softly."

Mike (dude in bar) to Mary Ann: "You're Sicilian. When you get mad at her [Gilligan] you won't yell at her you'll just stare at her."
Mary Ann: "If I get mad at her, Mike, I'll slice her fucking throat."

Ginger (to Mary Ann): "You smell like you're sweating booze. You smell like my Ex-boyfriend."

Ginger (to Mary Ann): "You are a fucking stupid drunken mess."

Gilligan: "I want these bitches to buy me another drink and then I'm gonna go home and rape 'the Skipper.'"

After Gilligan lost to Joe (dude in bar) arm wrestling
Mary Ann: "I'm leaving; you lost."
Gilligan: "You're leaving because I lost?"
Mary Ann: "You're a loser; I don't date losers."
Joe: "But she [Gilligan] is still hot."
Gilligan: "Anything is hot when you're married."

Gilligan: "I won a duck that night."
Mary Ann: "You didn't win a duck; that was another night."
Gilligan: "Well, I felt like I won a duck the night I met you."

Conversation with 6 gay TV execs at a Glee party

Gilligan: "Fuck tv; I hate tv. It's like a fucking litterbox."

Gay TV Exec: "What do you mean?"

Gilligan: "U keep digging and digging and what do you get? Shit."

Gilligan: "I hate girls who pee on the toilet. I ran in pointing my ass toward the toilet because it was about to come out and it was like splash!"

Mary Ann: "I'll stay with you forever because of how you lick my pussy."
Gilligan: "Even if you're morbidly obese and disfigured with acid."

Gilligan: "After three nights if 'the Skipper' stood me up; I'd set his house on fire."

Gilligan: "First of all, I'm a pussy. If a guy doesn't say "I'm in love with you" within two days, I'm like get the fuck out of here. You're never gonna see this vagina again. You can go and lick you mom's pussy. You love her right?"
Mary Ann: "I'm laughing so hard my tampon is coming out."